Natural \\ Broke

Boys who don’t love themselves will break you

They will gas light you 

They will love you

They will make you feel 

They will hurt and scar you 

They will screenshot your nudes 

They will forget you

They won’t keep caring about you that way that adults in movies do. How they check up on each other and still wish each other happy fucking birthday

Despite the fact that they told you they loved you unconditionally and “forever” 
You were his best friend. 

They will remind you of your mother
How she’d lock herself in her room for days at a time
Then come back out to tell you that “you’re the most important thing in the world” 
That she “needs you”

You’ll try to forget about the words that hurt 
That one time he told you that you were “too much” 
“Boring”
The unanswered calls

But they’ll sit with you
They’ll taint your later relationships 
They’ll make you question your ability to love yourself. 

But you will. 

There is a lot of me that is unraveling. Every second I am alone I can feel another bit of me questioning itself. Do my friends like me? Am I wanted? Do I talk to much? Do I try to hard? Am I the partner that I want to be?

Fuck if I know. 

One thing I have tended to do is seek validation from others; through their company, through sex, through time, through emotional vulnerability, through fucking instagram likes. Being vulnerable with others has always been really easy for me, actually. It makes me feel seen and understood. It’s being vulnerable by myself that’s hard. I forget to love myself, too busy figuring out how to love others. 

I don’t want to be that person though. I want to thrive alone so that I can be my best self for myself. I honestly thought that I was doing that, but being physically alone brings out vulnerability in me that I had covered up.

However, I want to do that and still cultivate a healthy and loving relationship with my partner (that I live with), so if anyone has any tips, lmk. 

So my affirmations today were: 

I love myself. 
I am strong. 
I am independent. 
I can do anything. 
I am good alone. 
I am good. 

My self-care was: 

A 20 minute run in the fucking heat
Reading the Handmaid’s Tale 
Checking my bills 
Cleaning up my living room and kitchen before getting into bed
Another face mask
Less time on my phone
Affirmations
Hydration 

My partner and I just moved in together. He is absolutely wonderful. Everything I could have ever dreamed of, and living together has been a breeze so far. We actually spent a two weeks in Spain right before meaning being together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We had separate flights home and I missed him every second. 

I landed in Salt Lake (home) at 11:35 PM. We were both going to be starting a 40-hour sexual assault victim advocacy training the next morning at 8 AM. Basically, we got no sleep and were really emotionally drained. We didn’t even try to stay the night at our new place for five or six days because we just didn’t have the energy. 

Anyways, we ended up moving in and getting settled. Warren stayed up late to get all of his things in just the right spots, to put together our desk, to vacuum. I figured out where things would be placed, how we would decorate, organized the closets. We both did a lot, but Warren definitely hauled ass trying to get the place settled before he left for a twenty-seven day trip: New York, India, Nepal, Bhutan, and then to Paris where I will be meeting him. 

Really exciting for him but for me this means being alone for twenty days. Alone in a brand new apartment that doesn’t quite feel like home yet, evenings that would usually be filled with cuddles and company have started to get way more fucking introspective, and a lot of scrolling through my phone. 

It’s only been four days, but I can feel the shift and I don’t like it. The summer drains me. I’d call it seasonal depression, but I get sad in the winter too. It’s mainly school breaks that put me in a rut. I lose my routine, a little bit of my drive, and I end up spending a lot more of my time alone and somehow, even though I now live with my partner, I’m still spending a big chunk of my summer alone. 

This alone-ness comes with: anxiety, FOMO, introspection, wondering if I’ve ever done anything right in my life, neediness, a lust for a life I know I’ll never have, binge watching Mad Men and whatever shitty teenage drama is on. It’s weird. + both of my fav shows (Reign & Riverdale) are over, so what the fuck do I do now? 

It gets pretty dark pretty fast.

But I don’t want it to. I want to take care of myself. I want to enjoy being alone, god damnit. I want to take all this time to read a few books that I’ve been meaning to, to get better at meditating, to perfect my skincare routine, sell all those clothes that I’ve been meaning to sell, exercise every day (maybe), and write. 

I’d also like to work on my recipes, my homeade skin-care, transitioning to a zero-waste lifestyle, and cultivating a god damn beautiful relationship with my lonely ass self.

So here’s today: 

I did interval running outside. 

I did a 12 minute ab workout (Aaptiv is amaaaazing!)

I did 16 minutes of stretching. 

I ate a Whole Food’s Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie. 

I did a face mask. 

I cleaned my kitchen & living room. 

I spent SIX (6) hours on my phone. Disgusting. 

I went grocery shopping. 

I listened to a podcast (Heavyweight. It was beautiful.)

I’m about to moisturize my whole damn body and read The Handmaid’s Tale. 

I loved myself. 

I love myself. 

I love myself.

If you don’t do anything else for self-care Sunday, at least make sure to tell yourself that you love yourself. 

xoxo